


I don't want to love you (but i do)

by Lilbug



Series: The 100 drabbles [5]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dialogue Heavy, Ghosts, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sort of unrequited love?, i think, im so sorry dont hate me?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 12:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20291368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilbug/pseuds/Lilbug
Summary: Bellamy should have never fallen in love with Murphy. He should have never fell for those deep blue eyes, or that sharp tongue. He should have known better.But he does. And it causes him pain, happiness, anguish, and joy.Is it worth it?Of course it is.





	I don't want to love you (but i do)

**He doesn't hang him when the delinquents are screaming at him to.**

He hoists him down from the crate, holding him close to his arms. He shouts at Clarke and Octavia to take care of the crowd. To do whatever they had to do to make them stop. He takes Murphy to his tent, setting him down on the shitty, make-shift mattress he found a few weeks ago. Months ago? Days ago? Time has passed way too fast on the ground. He rubs his head as he watches Murphy's face twitch in his sleep. His hair is matted with blood, Bellamy can see that clearly. His face is a roadmap of cuts and bruises, all weeping blood. They'll get infected if he doesn't stop it. He needs Clarke. He needs Clarke's _skills_, he corrects himself. He hates her. He hates her mom, her status, and her attitude. Like she's the one who's been protecting them from all the Grounder attacks. Like she's the one who's been keeping them alive. Like she's the one who didn't do this to John Alexander Murphy. Bellamy watches him silently, and he wonders when and why he fell in love with him. Is love even the right word? He doesn't know. Maybe it's the right word. Maybe it's not. He's never been in love before. He thought he loved Penny - the girl on the Ark with red hair and that killer smile. She was floated a month later. She was apparently stealing more food for her sick grandmother. Bellamy's pretty sure that's the day he started hating the Ark. That's the day he started to realise that maybe the Ark wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He's glad he's on the ground now. But he can't help but stare into Murphy's beautifully broken face and wonder if he's _really_ glad. 

Murphy didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it. Bellamy _knows_ Murphy. He's a dick from hell, yeah, but he isn't capable of _murder_. Even if Wells had it coming. _Especially_ if Wells had it coming. Sure, it might have been Murphy's knife, but Bellamy knows damn well that the teenager couldn't do something like that. He studies his face, eyes raking over every cut and bruise he has. His eye is swollen, his lip is bleeding, and he has gashes going down his cheeks. Bellamy notes the broken nose, next. It takes every ounce of willpower he has to not go to him, to hug him, hold him. But he manages, as he always does. Because even if _he's_ fallen for John Murphy, that doesn't mean John Murphy has fallen for _him_. 

* * *

**He doesn't expect him to save his life.**

He grabs whatever-her-name-is. Finn, Monroe, and Murphy are holding the ropes. Ropes? Belts, more like. He can feel them slowly tugging him back up, and his grip tightens on the girl. She's crying. A lot. Bellamy doesn't like it when people cry - it makes him feel..awkward? Awkward is a good word for it. "It'll be fi-" He feels them jerk back down, the girl screaming in his ear. That scream is so damn loud that his ear starts _ringing_. Bellamy squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out his heart. He's going to die. He swears he feels the wind around him, he swears he can hear it blowing around him. He swears he can almost feel the ground. But then..then they're jerked back again. When Bellamy opens his eyes, they're not moving. They're held perfectly still. 

"A little help!" That's Murphy's voice. Did Murphy..did he _save_ him? He can hear shouting from above, rocks tumbling, and Finn screaming something. He feels himself moving again, and stares up at the empty ledge above him. And then he drops again. What the _fuck_?

"What the hell is happening up there!?"

"Hold on!" Finn shouts. 

"_Grounders_!" Monroe screams, and Bellamy feels his heart drop. _Murphy's_ up there. What if Murphy dies? There's no way all three of them can hold the makeshift ropes, _and_ fight off Grounders. He's going to die. Murphy is _going_ to die. 

"How many are there?!" He shouts up at the trio. 

"No fucking clue!" Murphy shouts back. He can hear a gun rapidly firing, and wonders which one of them is doing it. 

"They're in the trees, aim for the trees! Monroe, the _trees_!" Bellamy hears Finn call, and then he hears a gasp. He pluments a little harder this time, and his heart is _racing_.

"Motherfucker, Finn!" Murphy snarls. "Get your ass back over here! I'm trying to keep him from _falling_!" Bellamy's heart race decreases for a second, before coming back with a _fury_. Murphy's purposely keeping him alive. Murphy's intentionally not letting him die. Murphy is the one holding the rope. Then it dawns on him. _Murphy's the only one holding the rope_. "Can't do this..Bellamy, you gotta hurry up!"

"No way! Cut it loose!" He shouts. If he dies, so the fuck what. Murphy's more important right now. 

"You're a goddamn du-" his remark is cut off by the howl of a horn. A _fog _horn. "Oh, thank fuck." Bellamy feels himself getting dragged back up, and then he feels the more dirt-like feel of _ground_ under his hands. The girl scrambles away from him, collapsing on top of Finn. She breathes out a thank you, and he just stares ahead. Murphy's in the far back, his hands bright red. The ropes are looped over and over again around his hands.

"Murphy.." 

"Don't say it," he sighs. "Your sister's here, by the way," he jerks his head over towards..Octavia. Yeah. Yeah, that's her alright. "Thank me later?" Murphy offers with a wink. 

Bellamy makes his way over to Octavia, but not before he kisses Murphy's nose. "Maybe." The delinquent wrinkles his nose, sticking out his tongue at the former-guard as he stalks off. 

* * *

**He keeps him safe when Raven wants to send him in Finn's place.**

Bellamy knows damn well that Murphy wasn't the cause of that massacre. He hates the Grounders as much as they all do, but he can't..what Finn did was evil. Just another reason to wonder why Clarke ever made it this far. So he gives Raven a pat on the back, and cups his hand over her mouth when she starts screaming as Finn walks out. Murphy wriggles his way out of Bellamy's arm, sprinting after the man. 

"You don't have to do this, Finn," Murphy tells him. "You don't have to die."

Finn smiles at him. "Yeah, I do. I made my bed, and I'll lay in it. Stay safe, Murphy."

"Finn-"

"No. You can't..you're not getting me out of this. It's not worth it. One life for eighteen? It's fair, Murphy. We can't fight them," he rips his shoulder away from Murphy's hand. "Let me _go_, Murphy."

"Whatever," Murphy snarls. "I thought we protected each other. I thought that was what Clarke and Bellamy told us to do. I thought that was how it was."

Finn tosses his head back and laughs. "And since when did _you_ start following the rules?"

Murphy walks back to the dropship, his eyes half-closed, his hands curling and uncurling. He stares at Bellamy, looks down at Raven. He turns back for a second, watching Finn disappear into the forest. "Tell her I tried." He sighs, cracking his knuckles when Bellamy stares at him. 

"I won't let her send you." Murphy laughs, but there's no humour in it. 

"Bellamy, he's already gone. There's no saving him. He's a dead man walking, now," Murphy's shoulders droop, and he squeezes Bellamy's shoulder. "It's a nice sentiment, though."

Bellamy watches him go up to the second 'floor' of the dropship. He doesn't come back down.

* * *

**He takes his bottle of vodka from him.**

"You've had enough," Bellamy tells him, tossing the half-empty vodka bottle away from him. "You're going to kill yourself like this, Murphy."

"Who said that's not what I wanted?" Murphy askes, his speech slurred and slowed. "I'm a bad person, Bellamy."

"No, you're not," he crouches down in front of the teenager. "You're a good person, Murphy. You mean a lot to a lot of people." Murphy snorts, his eyes rolling. 

"That's bullshit, Bellamy. Pure and utter fucking bullshit. And you _know_ it. Give me my drink back." 

"No, it's not. And _no_, I'm not doing that either," Bellamy scoffs. He moves forwards, before he knows what he's doing. He presses a kiss to Murphy's lips, and his eyes practically bulge out of his damn skull. "I'm sorry, you're drunk, I shouldn't-" Murphy grabs him by the face, dragging him back down. He kisses Bellamy harder than Bellamy kissed him, and holds the man there for a solid twenty seconds. When Murphy finally releases his face, they're both panting. "Holy shit."

"Holy shit is right," Murphy smirks, and Bellamy can see it just fine, even if it's almost pitch black in the dropship. "What? Never expected that from me?"

"I didn't expect you to.." _return my feelings_. "Yeah. Never expected you to do that. But you're drunk. You need to go to bed." 

Murphy barks out a laugh. "I'm not drunk. You're drunk." Bellamy barely manages to hide a smile. 

"Yeah. I'm drunk." _On you_.

* * *

**He watches him leave**.

Murphy doesn't belong. No one wants him. No one will fight for him, other than Bellamy. And Kane doesn't think that's good enough. Clarke has already shown that she's the leader of them. The "leader". Bellamy thinks that's hilarious. 

"You don't have to go," he whispers. "I don't want you to go."

"Yeah, I do," Bellamy tries to remember where he's heard that before. "Bellamy, I think we all sorta knew I wasn't gonna last long here. Camp Jaha? It can kiss my ass. Who knows? Maybe I'll find something."

"Murphy.."

"Bellamy, just. Don't. This isn't going to make this any better. You won't convince me to stay. You can't convince me to stay."

"Can I try?" Bellamy asks, his voice wavering. "Please, Murphy. Stay."

"Bell," Murphy's voice is sharp, but it doesn't hold the same venom it did a few months ago. "You can't..I'm _going_. I'm not..staying isn't an option for me. You know this, I know this, Clarke knows it, Raven knows it. Some people just aren't meant to be here, Bellamy. It's part of life, losing people. I'm glad we never got close." Bellamy doesn't know how much Murphy means that, but it hurts like a punch to the throat nonetheless.

"We didn't get _close_? Murphy, for the love of god, I _kissed_ you! Do you not understand? Murphy, I'm in _love_ with you, okay? There, I said it. You can't go."

"I can't go because you're in love with me?" He laughs. "Who the fuck ever said I loved you back? This is good_bye_, Bellamy."

"Murphy.." Bellamy feels his throat clench, his eyes watering. "Murphy, c'mon. Please."

Murphy stares at him, before he sighs. "Shut up, Bellamy." 

And then he's gone.

* * *

**He watches him come back**.

"Bell. Your boyfriend is back." Octavia tells him with a shove. 

"Murphy isn't-"

"His boyfriend," Bellamy snaps his head back towards the voice. There he is. Murphy has another scar to add to his collection, and a few more bags under his eyes, but he's still the same. His hair is less unruly, and his eyes sparkle with amusement when he watches Bellamy's mouth snap open and closed. "Struggling? I know. I'm hot."

"Yeah, something like that," he settles for a light smile, taking a step towards him. "Did you find what you were looking for?" Murphy smiles at him, but there's nothing happy about it. 

"Kinda realised what I was looking for was closer than I thought it'd be."

A sudden warmth rushes through Bellamy, and then pure anger. "Are you.."

"Talking about you? Yes, I am."

"How the fuck can you just say that!?" Bellamy shouts, grabbing Murphy by his shirt. He pulls him closer to him, so that they're nose to nose. "How the _hell_ can you leave for months on end, and come back, just to say that you care too? I waited every fucking day for you, Murphy. The fuck is _wrong_ with you? Do you even care how I feel?" 

Murphy scoffs, jerking himself away from the other's grip. "So you're still an arrogant asshole who thinks the world revolves around him, huh? How the hell was I supposed to know that, Bellamy? I needed to go."

"No, you didn't!" He protests. "I was here for you! I told you I didn't want you to go! I would have kept you safe. We could have gone anywhere from here!" 

"Bellamy, how the fuck do you _not_ hear yourself?" Murphy laughs. "You're a goddamn work, you know that? Fuck you. Don't try to find me."

* * *

**He says sorry first.**

"I..I'm sorry, okay?" It's been a week. They've been avoiding each other for a goddamn week. "Murphy, I know you're listening to me," when the smaller one of the pair doesn't turn to face him, Bellamy yanks him by his shoulder. "Murphy."

"I'm trying to work."

"You never try to work," he quips back. That gets him a smile. "I..I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up like that. I understand why you had to leave, but I don't..I don't like how you acted like it was no big deal. I'm sorry."

Murphy sighs, long and heavy. "Apology accepted." Then he grabs Bell's face, and kisses him. It's almost like the first time, but..with more feeling. Bellamy smiles, wrapping his arms around Murphy's waist. 

"That was a good apology."

"I didn't apologise," he protests. "I turned you on."

"What's the difference?" 

Bellamy watches Murphy's face flush, before his mouth curls up into a grin. "You are a piece of fucking work, Bellamy Blake. A goddamn piece of work."

* * *

**He finds out new things about himself**.

Bellamy never used to like being touched. Not like how Murphy touches him. He wraps his arms around Bellamy's waist, resting his head on the man's shoulder. Then he kisses the side of his neck, before disappearing again. Bellamy used to think that was one of the stupidest things you could ever do. Just kiss them on the lips, or something, for the love of god. But with Murphy...everything is different. He didn't feel this way with Penny, or Gina, or literally anyone else. He loves it when Murphy shows him affection, even if it's super subtle. Like a brush of his hand, or a quick pat on the thigh. He loves it when Murphy isn't afraid to show that they're a couple. He publically kisses Bellamy, holds his hand, and asks to work with him nearly constantly. Kane and Abby definitely seem like they're getting tired of their bullshit, but Bell doesn't give a fuck. He's in love with this man, and Murphy loves him back. He watches Murphy stalk over to him, a grin appearing on his face.

"There's my favourite boyfriend."

"Don't act like you could score anymore than one, Blake," Murphy shoots back at him, grinning. "How's it going? Looks like you're about to shoot yourself in the ass. I don't want that." Bellamy yelps, shoving the loaded fucking gun away from him. 

"Thanks for the warning, Murph'," he sighs. "How's Monroe?"

"Her leg is better," he smiles. "The arrow didn't do much to her, thank god. Monty and Jasper say hi, by the way. Mostly Monty, though."

Bellamy ducks his head, hiding a smile. "Yeah, I figured. Did Monty try my trick?"

"Throw away his bottle of vodka and then kiss him? Yes. Did it work? No."

"Damn," Bellamy sighs. "How've you been?"

"Exhausted," Murphy groans. "At least you just have to fix guns. I have to help Monty try and set up some..stupid algae farm, or something. He's sweet, yeah, but he also bitches about everything. I love that man like a brother, but he sucks." 

"Quite literally."

"Bellamy."

"Sorry."

Murphy rolls his eyes at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "No you're not. But that's okay. I love you anyways. Even if you are a big nerd."

"I am not," he grumbles. "I love you too, though. I guess."

"Don't pull that shit on me, Blake. I will kick your ass to the curb."

"I know."

"Good," Murphy points a finger at him, poking him in the chest. "Alright, I gotta get going. See you after your shift. Meet me in the tent, will you?" He turns and spins on his heels, grinning. "Love ya, babe!" Murphy shouts, and Bellamy watches him stalk off. He feels his face form a lopsided grin, his eyes lazily scanning his boyfriend up and down. 

There's two fingers in front of his face, snapping at him. "Earth to Bellamy. Earth to Bellamy Blake. Hey, dumbass," he blinks, turning to face Raven. She looks more than annoyed. "You're not fixing these." She gestures to the guns.

"Murphy.."

"Murphy happened, yeah yeah, whatever. Get the fuck out of here, I'll do it myself," she sighs. "You two are disgusting."

He smiles. "I know."

* * *

**He can't protect him from Pike**.

Murphy and Pike clash right away, and Bellamy can't stop it. He watches Pike threaten Murphy day after day, and he watches Murphy do the exact same. He does everything in his power to make sure that Murphy is far away from Pike, and vice versa. But they always manage to end up in the same room together. Bellamy thinks Pike is absolutely bad news. There is no way that this is going to end well for any of them.

"Can you stop arguing with him for a _second_, Murphy?"

"Can he stop pissing me off?" His boyfriend grumbles. "No? That's what I thought." Bellamy sighs. 

"Murphy."

"What?" He scoffs. "I don't like him, Bellamy. I can't help it. He literally beat me to shit when he tried teaching us how to live on the ground, y'know. It was like, a lesson on how we all had to work together, if we wanted to live. Jasper broke a chair over his head. Your sister punched him in the dick. I have good reasons not to like him."

Bellamy, despite himself, snorts. "I'm sorry. That's not funny. Well. It's kind of funny," Murphy scowls at him. "Okay, okay, sorry. Sorry. But really, try, alright? Please? For _meeee_?" Murphy groans, tilting his head back. "You overdramatic fuck."

"Whatever, Bellamy. I'll try. No promises. Hear that? No promises." Bellamy smiles, and kisses the top of Murphy's head.

"Alright."

* * *

**He watches him die.**

Pike has a gun to his head.

He's on his knees, and all Bellamy can do is watch.

Kane's hand is clamped over his mouth, the other tugging him back. 

"Any last words, John Murphy?" Pike asks. "Now is the time to speak them."

Murphy smiles up at him. "Not for you." 

Lincoln grabs Bellamy by the back, trying to force his gaze away from what's about to happen. Bellamy can't tear his eyes away from him.

He watches as Pike's finger squeezes the trigger. He hears the shot. He hears the dull _thud_ of Murphy's body hitting the ground. He hears the screaming, and the cheering, and crying. He thinks the crying is him. He feels the burning tears run down his cheeks, searing into his skin. He feels Octavia grab his hand, squeezing hard enough to break bone. Lincoln is hoisting him up by the arms, half-carrying half-dragging him. He wants to scream. Scream Murphy's name, tell Pike to float himself. He wants to wrap his hands around Pike's neck and strangle him. Bellamy wants to watch the life go out of that man's eyes. He imagines how it'll feel when his hands are cutting off Pike's air supply. He thinks it'll feel amazing. He's barely aware of Kane, Octavia, and Lincoln. He closes his eyes, and focuses hard on what it'll feel like when he kills Pike.

* * *

**He sees him again.**

It's definitely odd. 

And it's certainly not what he expected. 

There he is, John Murphy. Looking a little more blue-ish, a little more see through-ish. His hair is thrown across his face, and his eyes are still that bright blue that Bellamy loves. "So," Murphy comments, clearing his throat. "Suppose this is how we're meeting. I'm not solid, by the way," he rushes out when Bellamy takes a couple hundred steps towards him. "Sorry."

"How.."

"Well, it's been a few weeks, hasn't it?" He asks, smiling. "I think I'm going to Hell. I'm not sure though. Pretty sure I'm going to Hell. How's it been down on Earth? I've been in limbo. Is it limbo? I don't really know. Monty's mom is nice, by the way. You would have liked her."

"Murphy.."

"I saw my parents," he coughs, awkwardly. "Mom had more than enough to apologise for, but she didn't. Dad doesn't even go around her, apparently," Murphy swallows. "So uh, yeah. I saw your mom. She's really nice. I like her."

"Murphy," Bellamy's voice is a little sterner than he means it to be. "How is this possible?"

"Well, I really love you. And you had to have really loved me. So it just..happens. Here I am," he shifts from foot to foot. "Um, listen, Bell. I don't know how long I can _do_ this. Be seen on here? This planet? Ghosts apparently aren't really good at keeping their energy in one place. I don't..I have no clue how long it's been si-"

"Don't," Bellamy interrupts. "Don't say it. Don't talk about this. Just..let's watch the sunrise." 

Murphy nods, but Bellamy can see that look of uncertainty. "Okay. Okay, let's watch the sunrise. We can do that."

So they do. They walk back to the drop ship, sitting on top of it. Murphy attempts to hold Bellamy's hand, but all Bell can feel is a tingly prickling. 

"I love you, Murphy."

"I love you too, Bell." 

Murphy's gone before the sun is fully up.

* * *

**He eventually joins him.**

It takes a solid seventy years, but after those years are up, Bellamy sees him again. But this time, he isn't blue. He isn't see through. He's clear as day, and he's right _there_. 

Bellamy runs to him, practically tackling him to the ground. "Murphy!" He shouts, and he can feel those tears running down his cheeks. But this time, he thinks, they're happy. "Murphy, oh my god, you're..you're here!"

"Damn right I am," Murphy grins, pushing himself against Bellamy's chest. "Here to stay, babe. Not going anywhere. You look good, by the way," Bellamy scans himself, noticing the callouses on his hands are gone. He looks back up at Murphy, cocking an eyebrow. "You're twenty-three. Well, physically," he smirks. "Mentally, you've always been a senile old man."

"Shut up, Murphy."

"I thought you'd want to hear me talk?" Bellamy winces, and Murphy notices. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. But really. You're a big grump."

"I am not," he pouts. "Anyways. Do you want to get married?" Murphy looks at him for a good minute and a half, and Bellamy's starting to panic. "Okay, I-" Murphy drops to one knee, and grins at him. "But..I just pr-"

"Bellamy Robert Blake," Murphy starts, grinning even harder. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes, you little shit," he laughs, scooping up Murphy in his arms. "Can you even get married here?"

"What, in ghoultown? Yeah, we're good. Doesn't even matter, really. All that's important is that we have all the time in the world to figure it out."

"You're kidding me," Bellamy scoffs, feigning annoyance. "I have to put up with your rotten ass for forever?" 

Murphy rolls his eyes, kissing Bellamy instead of giving him a response. He tangles his hands in his hair, making sure the man stays still. "You're lucky as fuck, Bellamy Blake. You know how many people get to look at my ass? And have me _want_ them to look at my ass? Very few." Bellamy stifles a laugh, ducking his head. 

"I love you, Murphy."

"I love you too, Bellamy. Never change."

"Well," he smirks. "I have an eternity to try."

"Don't even think of it, Blake," Murphy grumbles. "Now, put me down! I need to find Indra. She apparently does wedding shit," he scrambles out of Bell's arms, dropping to the ground. "C'mon!"

Bellamy watches as Murphy sprints, not waiting for him to catch up. He smiles, and feels a tugging in his chest. He's home. Right where he belongs.

Right with the man he loves.


End file.
